Review: Dario Argento's DRACULA 3D Is Predictably Bad, Until...

Early warning: This review will eventually spoil what was -- for me -- the only great minute of Dario Argento's Dracula 3D. It is not a plot spoiler per say, and it was also spoiled by the sales reel that showed up online a couple years ago, but it is the only moment that made me sit up in my seat and say, "What on earth...?" But, I'll put a warning before I do that, so relax for now.

Other than this minute, there's not much to say about the former horror maestro's first foray into stereoscopic 3-D. Art and experience has shown in many ways that we are born an infant who needs to be taken care of, we mature, and then as our mental and physical faculties dull, we regress back to something like an infantile state in old age. Perhaps that explains why 71-year-old Argento has churned out so many puzzling, tone-deaf misfires during his late-era career.

But nearly every critic and cinephile has scratched their heads and hazarded guesses as to why the horror master who brought us elegant, stylish classics like Suspiria and Deep Red has become such a shadow of his former self. I'll let it drop. Whatever the case, based on Dracula 3D, with its overlit mastershots, lifeless acting and anemic energy, no one should count on another masterpiece in the near future.

And so, you must decide whether you want to settle instead for the small pleasures that the man continues to offer. These include: Some giggle-inducing Ed Wood-type moments, an extremely earnest performance by Rutger Hauer during the last third of the movie, a fair amount of gruesome CGI gore and a number of naked ladies with beautiful bodies. I suppose the fact that one of these ladies is the director's daughter, Asia Argento, might make some feel more creeped out than turned on. Prudes!

Just kidding, you guys are all fine in my book. In any case, the plot is basically a plodding version of the story you've seen or read a thousand times before with a few kinda hilarious visual moments courtesy of Dracula's ability to teleport around a room. The sets look like leftovers from an episode of masterpiece theater and, as noted, the acting is all completely wooden.

Still, unless you are still reeling about the old news that Argento isn't going to make something that even approaches the level of Opera in the near future, the movie's not much of a chore to sit through, and it's even a bit agreeable and amusing in a juvenile way, though never more than that.  It is also in 3-D, but that doesn't really help or hurt matters.