Boozie Movies Returns To Piss In The Punch Bowl For 2013

10. YOU'RE NEXT

Watching You're Next is like getting whiskey dick at an orgy. There's an amazing time being teased in front of you but you were the asshole who drank too much earlier in the night. So now you're that guy standing in the corner playing with himself while swallowing handfuls of vitamin E desperately trying to get hard while everyone else is having a fun time. Every so often, a pretty lady walks over and tries to help you out, but no matter how hot all of this might seem, it's just not going to work. You're not 21 anymore and you actually have to plan your night out and watch what you drink if you want to be functioning later on. So eventually, you just give up and drink alone in an empty room while everyone else gets off next door.

You're Next could be seen as a major step up for Wingard. It's slick and polished without the obnoxious handy cam work or Christmas lights as production value that defined his earlier work. It actually looks like a legitimate film. But as a slasher thriller, it offers very little in the way of thrills. It keeps teasing a much better film and makes all manner of false promises for exciting set pieces to later come, but it never delivers on any of them. It's flaccid and impotent as a horror film. Worst of all, it skips all of the visceral catharsis as all of the juiciest kills happen off screen. But this isn't Funny Games nor is it The Cabin in the Woods like some critics have claimed. You're Next doesn't reinvent the genre nor does it try to deconstruct it. The film isn't intentionally refusing to meet audience expectations because it's making a statement. It's because it's just kind of a lazy wet fart of a film. I don't really know what its aim was. If you've seen the trailers, than you can already guess as to what one of the film's big twist reveals are.

One of the house guests being randomly attacked is actually a trained killer herself. Actress Sharni Vinson gives an awesome performance as the film's surprise heroine but it's a shame that she's not given anything all that cool to do or at the very least, a credible back-story to explain her deadly talents. The film still has that same improvised stink of Wingard's peers like Joe Swanberg, who hey, is in the film. There are some really intriguing lines of dialogue that were clearly made up on the spot during filming so there's no payoff to any of it. And then there are another two big preposterous twists that betray everything that comes before it and renders most of the horror elements pointless, but then again, the same could be said for that horrible twist ending in A Horrible Way to Die.

A friend had explained You're Next to me as a super violent and intense horror movie version of Home Alone. Someone still needs to make that film cause that sounds fucking awesome. Actually, The Aggression Scale comes a lot closer to being that film than this did.

9. RETURN TO NUKE EM HIGH

There comes a time when every angry, juvenile, anarchist must grow up and become something that at least resembles a sensible adult.

Even though I've finally hit my thirties, I don't think I can honestly make any claim that I'm a rational man just yet.

But I know that I must finally be approaching some form of maturity.

Why?

Because I finally watched a Troma film that didn't make me laugh once.

A gang of adult men in diapers shooting up a school for the mentally handicapped post Columbine seemed like comedy gold when I was 18. A parody of Reagan era war films set in a nondescript third world country in the mid 80's where the biggest running joke makes light of the AIDS epidemic during the height of the disease's scare seemed brilliantly subversive at 15.

Troma was the nihilistic punk rock answer to Roger Corman productions, releasing schlocky, confrontational, intentionally offensive junk food that served as a brazen fuck you to the entire film industry.

But in the wake of the digital revolution where we now live in a culture of DIY entertainment where anyone with a few hundred bucks can make their own Tromaesque feature and self release it online, there's something both antiquated and archaic to Troma's existence today. Kaufman's singular brand of crazy has now inspired three generations of gonzo genre filmmakers who've taken what's come before, learned from it, and improved on it.

Filmmakers like Jason Eisner and the Astron 6 crew have taken the Troma formula and elevated to a new level.

Meanwhile, Lloyd has partially forgotten what made Troma so special in the first place, and he's been slipping downward for nearly 10 years. It's become difficult to go back and even revisit Citizen Toxie. To quote a friend who was one of the film's 11 or so writers, "Llyod took one of his most beloved characters and turned him into an ugly and mean spirited joke. I was done with the film the moment he rapes Toxie's girlfriend for a cheap laugh. "

Well, the entirety of Return to Nuke Em' High is based on a bizarre and unfunny rape joke. Sure, there are still plenty of titties, monster penises, and gallons of karo syrup often paired with those same bare titties, but the actual quality of the filmmaking has regressed even further past Troma's usual camp into the pure inept.

I'm not sure any transgressive filmmaker or artist can succeed with shock value alone anymore. I've always held an affinity for the politically incorrect, but the internet has mostly desensitized me to it. Even though the main plot and conflict in the film is centered around a young woman being raped with her radioactive pet duck, the attempts at offensive humor mostly falls flat. If you want to be shocked and offended, just read any comment thread on any conservative news site.

Watching Return to Nuke Em' High is kind of like going to one of those awful burlesque shows that have become the big rave at all of the cool urban dive bars. It's like being at a rowdy rock club where some girl next door type with gauges the size of silver dollars in her ears, a giant tattoo of Krang on her chest, and a visible c-section scar just kind of flops around on a small makeshift stage. She's not really dancing or doing anything particularly exciting. Hell, she's not even moving to the music, but with every article of clothing she takes off, the crowd is already expected to cheer.

It's a parade of mediocrity, and even worse, with the barely existent story and painful reliance on title cards for exposition and character set up, it's even more shocking to find out that Nuke Em' High ends on a fucking cliffhanger! The film's big conclusion should have been a plot point at the 20 minute mark instead of setting up a sequel I'll never watch. Lloyd, always the industrious entrepreneur, has decided to release this in two parts ala Kill Bill.

Lloyd Kaufman's Everything I Need to Know about Filmmaking, I Learned from the Toxic Avenger was one of my personal bibles in high school, one that sat alongside Robert Rodriguez's Rebel without a Crew.

I'm not particularly proud to admit that the Troma brand influenced a great deal of my earlier work, but I still hold a lot of affection and admiration for the small, grass roots company.

Like Nintendo, one can't fault Troma for milking its own reputation and image for all that's it worth, that's what Troma's known for. They're the punk rock Barnum and Bailey. They've always exemplified the purest form of exploitation on almost every level and it's been that ingenuity that's inspired so many of today's filmmakers. There would be no ABCs of Death without The Toxic Avenger, Sgt. Kabuki Man, and Tromeo and Juliet. We wouldn't be raving about Hobo with a Shotgun without the original Class of Nuke em' High.

It's a shame that this quasi sequel/reboot is just about unwatchable.

8. GANGSTER SQUAD

Have you ever shown a young child a really great classic film? Maybe it was something like The Untouchables, or possibly a network television edited version of Once Upon a Time in America. And you know how that child will probably go to school the next day and write a creative story based on their newly found love for that film? They'll write some silly, nonsensical gangster story that has the same characters and big story beats as the film that they just watched, but since they're so young and don't fully understand all of the attributes needed to tell a successful story, and since they have no comprehension of the real world, or organized crime, or violence, or adult relationships, they're not capable of actually successfully re-creating their new favorite thing. Instead, they've created a bizarre and hollow proxy that only makes sense to them.

And maybe that child will grow up on a diet of Monster energy drinks, Call of Duty, and a detached ironic cynicism with a false internet bred nostalgia for super strange popular culture. And then, that child will write and direct a film like Gangster Squad.

This is one of the most forgettable star studded gangster films ever made. I can hardly remember a single scene. In fact, the only thing I can explicitly remember is walking out of the theater around the halfway mark to go next door and watch Zero Dark Thirty again instead. But I do vaguely recall the film being something of a poorly shot Cliff's Notes guide to prohibition era gangster films and film noir. Every scene, every line of dialogue, every character, every costume, every setting is from another film. It's a collage of moments from better movies and yet all exaggerated to a cartoonish degree. The problem is that the filmmakers refuse to acknowledge its own absurdity.

Oddly, it's supposedly based on a true story but everything plays out like a 12 year old boy's fantasy, the same 12 year old boy who has no working knowledge of actual police work or how organized crime functions. If you're going to make a stupid film, you might as well go all the way. Gangster Squad would have been a lot better if it had been even more like a 12 year old's rendition of The Untouchables. If the film had laser guns, dinosaurs, and jet plane chases, maybe it would have at least been fun.

7. MACHETE KILLS

But I'm probably a hypocrite for suggesting that Gangster Squad would have benefited from dinosaurs and laser guns. If anything, Machete Kills goes so far beyond that type of stupid it enters an entirely new plane of existence, a realm of pure banality.

We get it, Robert Rodriguez; you're just a really cool guy with really cool friends. You're throwing big wild parties with Lady Gaga, Mel Gibson, Lindsey Lohan, Antonio Banderas, Cuba Gooding Jr., Charlie Sheen, Tom Savini, Cheech Mari, and tons of other celebrities. But these aren't films and they'd hardly work even as comic books. You took a one note joke and stretched it well past its expiration date.

Remember when exploitation films were exploitational, sleazy, and almost dangerous? Robert Rodriguez doesn't because I don't think he's ever seen an actual grind house film. Watching Machete Kills is like watching a drunk friend who obnoxiously quotes Tarantino films and screams at the television while playing a Suda 51 video game. And well, I actually enjoy some of Suda 51 video games and would find more enjoyment playing them myself rather than watching someone else struggle with the controls while providing painfully unfunny commentary.

6. STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS

Where's the Star Trek part of this Star Trek film? And really, Captain Kirk has to be Jesus now? Can we have a single fucking action science fiction film today without the hero becoming a Christ like Martyr? I'm looking at you too, Elysium.

5. EVIL DEAD

I'm afraid to bash this shit stain any further. I still get hate mail and death threats for my review nine months ago.

Pure and simple, if you grew up with Evil Dead and you love Evil Dead, then you're not a fan of the remake. If you're the kind of person who jacks off to August Underground films and gets hard to any horror film with decent gore effects regardless if it has any soul or imagination, you just keep emailing me and telling me I'm a faggot. You're only proving my point further. This is a film for assholes.

4. KINGS OF SUMMER

Oh, here's a movie for white people who love to reminisce on being really fucking white.

3. TO THE WONDER

Did you know that Terrence Malick directed a two hour perfume and denim jeans commercial this year? Despite my potentially slanderous review of Tree of Life, I truly admired and respected it and have developed a stronger affinity for it from multiple viewings. I was never bored with it. But this? I drifted in and out of sleep during my viewing and I don't think that really affected my perception of the film and what was happening within it.

2. ONLY GOD FORGIVES

So let's say you have rich but crazy white film major friend who likes to travel. I think we all have that friend. He likes to tell tall tales of his adventures hopping around Indonesia, Turkey, China, India, South America, and Thailand. He's the kind of guy who loves Vice magazine. He's also the kind of guy who loves trashy films and pure pulp. He likes to make films, and they're usually pretty decent. You're pretty envious of this friend. He's just living the type of adventurous, interesting life that only some uber privileged rich white kid can live. He's spent the last 6 months fucking around in Bangkok, and from all of his many nights out trying to buy drugs in a drunken stupor, he's met a bunch of colorful locals. He had access to them and a slew of interesting and sleazy locales. He wanted to make a movie, but he didn't have a story. He wanted to show the criminal underworld that he's been playing around with, but he's really not a part of it, and he doesn't understand it. His perception of this subculture is still filtered through the lens of a westerner raised on action films. So he strings a movie together, a series of interesting scenes with no cohesive plot or structure. It's interesting to look at but painful to actually sit down and watch. That's Only God Forgives.

It's the film that your super cool rich friend directed during his extended vacation in Thailand. While watching it, I was actively thinking that it was probably one of most idiotic films I've ever seen. It felt like a bad student movie the way the characters would awkwardly walk around the frame, blankly staring at the camera, waiting for the director to signal them to read their lines. And boy, are their lines dreadful. But the visual motifs that make up the film are quite stunning as is Clint Mansell's score. Shit, maybe I'll grow to love this film in a few years, but I'm not sure if I was intended to laugh as hard as I did every time Kristen Scott Thomas opened her mouth. What's most frustrating is that there's a phenomenal film hidden in here but Refn is just trying too damn hard. Or maybe he's not trying at all.

1. MAN OF STEEL

Sitting through Zak Snyder's two and a half hour long headache is kind of like going to a college Toga party where two 'roided up frat boys covered in crucifix tattoos with American flags draped across their chests bang pots and pans four inches from your face and scream, "911 Dude! 911!" Meanwhile, the school's football team is gang banging your ex- girlfriend on a dirty mattress in the other room. That's Man of Steel. It's the single most exhaustive, tiring, and just plain boring super hero action film of the past decade. It's also insulting and pandering to the lowest denominator.

The typically fantastic Amy Adams is totally wasted and given almost nothing interesting to work with and Michael Shannon goes through most of the film with a disapproving scowl suggesting that he doesn't even want to be there. Even beyond all of the movie breaking plot holes and strange inconsistencies, what's most shocking is how this might be one of the singularly anti Semitic films released from the Hollywood system ever.

There's no mystery that Superman was initially created as a Jewish superhero. Hell, his name is Hebrew; all of the Kryptonians have Hebrew names. And the character's original Jewish creators have been on the record saying that Superman was intended to serve as a superhero for Jewish children. In fact, he was a rather violent and vengeful character in the beginning before his D.C. days. Clark Kent was fashioned to represent all of the negative stereotypes of Jewish people at the time. He was geeky with curly black hair, wore wire framed glasses, and worked in the press, but what the public couldn't see was that he was an alien, part of a stronger race of super beings. He was an orphaned refugee of Krypton, an analogy for Jerusalem.

General Zod has had multiple origin stories in the comics, but the most familiar is that which was portrayed in Superman 2. He was a pretty standard super villain, an equal to Superman who seeking revenge for his imprisonment. He ended up wanting to take over the world because, well, all super villains want to take over the world.

In Man of Steel, Zak Snyder and David (Blade 3) Goyer, tinkers with Zod's origins and motivations for revenge. He doesn't just want to take over the world, he wants to repopulate it with Kryptonian clones. Michael Shannon rants on and on about some Codec device thing that has all of the DNA strands of his planet's people. There's a lot of talk of blood and being the chosen ones. Zod and his cronies kind of come off sounding like Zionists. Meanwhile, you have your Jewish Superman who's now been turned into a yet another Christ figure. There's a scene midway in the film where Zod's hench woman is lecturing Superman on all of the achievements and advancements of the Kryptonians. She says something along the lines, "We're more evolved. We've utilized science and technology to better ourselves while these silly humans cling to their religions and superstitions." Superman responds by saying like, " But I have faith." And then he punches her into a speeding train. Yea, that's subtle.

This is a stupid movie for stupid people. It's kind of like Boondock Saints. When I hear someone raving about that film, I know that I can tune out just about anything further they might have to say about anything in relation to cinema or story telling in general. I now do the same for anyone who tells me that Man of Steel was awesome.

SOME GOOD FILMS?

There were a few films I actually enjoyed in 2013. It wasn't all bad actually. 2013 was a pretty solid year for cinema. If you don't count the fact that it's a dying medium and theatrical exhibition is going the way of the dodo and in five years, all films will either be super hero spectacles, ensemble cast romantic comedies, Oscar bait, or super DIY indie films made by rich kids out of vanity and ego since there's no profit in indie cinema whatsoever anymore.

But hey, in no particular order, here were some of Boozie Movies' favorite films.

The Grandmaster(s): The original Chinese cut of Wong Kar Wai's epic is a rich tapestry of history re-contextualized into a memorizing masterpiece of love, honor, and martial arts. The Harvey Weinstein cut doesn't even make any god damn sense and turns an almost perfect film into one of the year's worst.

Riddick: A damn good sci-fi action film with mostly well implemented CGI (let's forget the ending). This feels like a legitimate throw back to the adventure films of yesteryear without having to pull the referential nostalgia card too hard. It escapes me how the internet continues to whine about the failure of Dredd when this was by far a better, more interesting back to basics action/horror film. Hell, the first hour is a brilliant homage to There Will be Blood and worth the ticket price alone.

Resurrection of a Bastard: Not mind blowing, but certainly interesting, probably one of the most interesting gangster films of the last few years.

Stoker: My first reaction was that it's kind of like watching a contemporary Hitchcock film starring Helen Keller because most of the time when any character speaks, the dialogue is so dreadful I'd of rather just heard communicate through grunts and other guttural noises. The script has interesting ideas and Park Chan Wook's mise en cine is impeccable as always, but man, it's sometimes painful to listen to. That said, it's one of the best directed films of the year and it's refreshing to see an adult psychological thriller that doesn't have vampires.

Pain & Gain: This is bad done right.

Pacific Rim: Stupid summer tent pole spectacle mostly done right.

Don Jon: A surprisingly complicated, thoughtful, and intelligent date flick. It's almost like JGL is apologizing for 500 Days of Summer. Apology accepted.

The Place beyond the Pines: It goes a bit off the rails during the third act, but I'm not sure where else it could have gone. It's contrived but fitting. Regardless, the first hour and a half is some of the best American made cinema of this century so far.

Act of Killing: What more needs to be said? It's one of the most captivating, intense, and upsetting film experiences in history. It will leave a mark on your soul. This is essential viewing for everyone.

Let the Fire Burn: Act of Killing is going to steal most of this doc's thunder come award season, but this is an equally powerful and disturbing film, and much like Act of Killing, there hasn't been a similar documentary in structure before it. I'm also biased as it's about a Philadelphia tragedy that I've had a long standing obsession over.

This is the End: Really funny the first time, not so much the second time.

The World's End: Not so funny the first time, absolutely hysterical the second.

Spring Breakers: It's all of the cool kids' favorite film and John Waters loved it. So there must be something to it right?