TVS: The Recession: The Fine Art of Failure!

Okay.. so what? The computers a la the rich people tell us we're all going broke these days and early prognosis says we should buckle down for at least a few more months. In light of which, let's look at a few of the leaders who have gone before us and taught us how to hemorrhage staggering amounts of money in one of the most expensive ways possible. But to keep the failure ratio high, we'll leave it to the films that had bank behind them: wide release films (over 600 screen release) - because sure, Zyzzyx Road only made 30 bucks, but it didn't get distribution -(okay, we might throw in that one for fun). With no further adieu folks, take comfort and joy knowing that somewhere, someone bit off a piece that was much larger than anything you'll chew this year. (The jury is still out on exactly which has lost more money as there are a number of conflicting reports, plus, not to mention the difference between "Lowest Box Office Take" and "Largest Actual Loss" ratio.) We'll give you a few of each, how's that? - make no mistake though, these are doozies.

Find them after the break!

Ladies and germs, the biggest flops. Ever.

Proud American 2008
Admittedly, I had never even heard of this one until I stumbled on it. The production budget isn't disclosed, however, the per-screen average is: - and it's a mental-blocking 128 bucks. Yeah 128 - as in "dinner for two with one glass of wine". Seriously. Per screen - and we're talking all 750 of them. Basically, this is a family-friendly PR film that comes straight out of the "America, F*ck Yes" offices. It's everything that every other nation on Earth would just roll their eyes over and, as it would seem, what the US wouldn't open their wallets for either. Thank God.

Nobel Son 2008
Whoa. What the hell? In truth, I started compiling this collection over the American Thanksgiving weekend (yeah, things got busy, shut up) and between then and now, this film showed up -- I'll accept what the gods are trying to tell me and assume there must be a reason why I'd never heard of this. Released on 893 screens a handful of weeks ago in December 2008, and starring: Alan Rickman, Ernie Hudson, Danny DeVito, Eliza Dushku (she loves me), Bill Pullman, Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen, it sounds respectably interesting even just for the cast. Released for 2 and a half weeks, this puppy made just over half a million bucks. For a per screen average of 374 dollars. OUCH. Granted, the trailer is rough, but not the-worst-of-all-time rough. I'm tempted to see this even if for 'just cuz's sake. And maybe Eliza.

This next one wins the Ironic Kick-in-the-balls Award.
Million Dollar Mystery
The Year: 1987. Acid Wash was everywhere and Michael Douglas was 6 months away from announcing that "Greed is Good". Then came this piece of work. Starring virtually nobody, spare Tom Bosley (Happy Days) and maybe a Playmate from 1984, this borderline farce-comedy followed a group of 'zany' people as they scrambled to find a million dollars at 4 different locations. Released in 1,400 theatres it made 989,000 dollars. Here's the ball-kicker: Someone who I'm sure got fired, thought it would be a fantastic advertising move to blend the film with reality and give the audience clues to finding a REAL hidden prize somewhere in the States. The prize if you haven't guessed already: 1 million dollars. Well, somebody found it. Goodbye entire box office take. I'm serious - this actually happened. Greed might be good, idiocy though, is priceless.

OKAY, LET'S VISIT A COUPLE FROM THE GRADUATING CLASS OF FLOPS:
Town and Country 2001
How one can spend just shy of 100 million bones on a romantic comedy and NOT see this coming is beyond me. Gary Shandling, Warren Beatty, Diane Keaton, Andie MacDowell, Jenna Elfman, Goldie Hawn. Yeah... ummm... what's to say.. a bunch of people in relationships find lots of reasons to leave and/or stay in relationships. Uh huh. Like I said, not seeing the flop coming is like a train sneaking up your nose. Budget: 95 million bucks. Domestic Box: Just over 6 million. Loss: almost 90 million dollars.

The Adventures of Pluto Nash 2002
Eddie Murphy, for the past decade and then some, has consistently released films that manage to stay off anyone's "to see" list - while also remaining off anyone's last-hope-for-a-buck "morbid curiosity" list and for that, I submit he deserves something. Perhaps a retirement plan. While it's still cushy. Budget: 100 million. Domestic Box: 4.5 million. Loss: about 95 million.

Okay fine - Here's:
Zyzzyx Road 2007
Excuse the crappy resolution. Budget: 2 million. Box office take: 30. As in Thirty. Dollars. 30 Effing Dollars. The make up artist brought a friend who got a refund (True story!) so some will say the movie took in 20 bucks. Which, is just fantastic in so many ways.

There. See? Life isn't so bad! Now get out there and buy stuff!