FAST FIVE For Best Picture
Ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, I am throwing down the gauntlet. After years of listening to you moan about how your audience is aging, and watching your woefully misguided attempts to correct this trend, I am going to tell you what you need to do to become relevant again.
Fast Five needs to win Best Picture.
Oh, you're scoffing right now, I know. I can hear you from here. But tell me, in a world in which Avatar can be nominated as Best Picture and Titanic actually win, is this really so far fetched? For unlike the big blue people that were the only reason people went to see Avatar in the first place, The Rock's well-oiled biceps actually exist in the real world. And isn't that so much more impressive? Unlike James Cameron's terminally boring creations Fast Five actually succeeds in its primary goal of entertaining its audience. And is that not an accomplishment worth celebrating?
You will counter, no doubt, by decrying Fast Five as the product of a formula played for profit. And, yes, yes it is. But I cry sexism, my friends, blatant anti-male bias amongst critics and the Academy for holding Fast Five's manipulation of male emotions as a negative while simultaneously praising the manipulation of female emotional responses in the likes of The Blind Side as a positive. I will not be ashamed of my testicles! No!
The struggle to drag a very large safe full of cash down a busy highway is no less a valid expression of the human experience than is Colin Firth's struggle to speak without a stutter! Yes, Fast Five is male escapist fantasy but so what? How many of you will ever actually spend time with a British Monarch trying to overcome a speech impediment? Or dancing in the ballet while involved in lesbian sex with Natalie Portman? Or as an underdog boxer finally getting a break? Or creating the world's largest computer networking site despite being a social cripple yourself? The King's Speech, Black Swan, The Fighter and The Social Network - to name but a few - are no less escapist than Justin Lin's piston-pounding action picture, they just like to pretend they are. And if we accept that all movies are essentially escapist fantasy then how can we criticize Fast Five based on that fact alone?
Taken purely on its own merits, Fast Five is as fine a technical piece of filmmaking as any to hit American screens this year. It is a well shot, well constructed piece of work as precisely engineered as any of the vehicles it contains to satisfy the desires of the American public. It accomplishes the goals it sets for itself as well or better than any other film released this year, and is that not an accomplishment deserving of praise?
Does nobody else appreciate the wisdom of having Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson punch each other in the face for the public good? Can anybody name a single other occasion when the fifth film in a series is far and away the best of the run? This, friends, is the result of craftsmanship and skill well applied. Critics may criticize the script but answer me this: are people more likely to be quoting Fast Five a year from now or more likely to be quoting Shame, J Edgar, Moneyball or some other piece of awards-bait? So which film is really the better written?
Oscar has become irrelevant because at some point along the line it became ashamed of supporting the films people actually like. It wasn't always that way and there is no compelling reason for it to remain so. So do the right thing, Academy, and give one to the common man. Fast Five for Best Picture.
[Support the Fast Five Oscar Watch: Tweet the hashtag #ConsiderFast5]
Fast Five needs to win Best Picture.
Oh, you're scoffing right now, I know. I can hear you from here. But tell me, in a world in which Avatar can be nominated as Best Picture and Titanic actually win, is this really so far fetched? For unlike the big blue people that were the only reason people went to see Avatar in the first place, The Rock's well-oiled biceps actually exist in the real world. And isn't that so much more impressive? Unlike James Cameron's terminally boring creations Fast Five actually succeeds in its primary goal of entertaining its audience. And is that not an accomplishment worth celebrating?
You will counter, no doubt, by decrying Fast Five as the product of a formula played for profit. And, yes, yes it is. But I cry sexism, my friends, blatant anti-male bias amongst critics and the Academy for holding Fast Five's manipulation of male emotions as a negative while simultaneously praising the manipulation of female emotional responses in the likes of The Blind Side as a positive. I will not be ashamed of my testicles! No!
The struggle to drag a very large safe full of cash down a busy highway is no less a valid expression of the human experience than is Colin Firth's struggle to speak without a stutter! Yes, Fast Five is male escapist fantasy but so what? How many of you will ever actually spend time with a British Monarch trying to overcome a speech impediment? Or dancing in the ballet while involved in lesbian sex with Natalie Portman? Or as an underdog boxer finally getting a break? Or creating the world's largest computer networking site despite being a social cripple yourself? The King's Speech, Black Swan, The Fighter and The Social Network - to name but a few - are no less escapist than Justin Lin's piston-pounding action picture, they just like to pretend they are. And if we accept that all movies are essentially escapist fantasy then how can we criticize Fast Five based on that fact alone?
Taken purely on its own merits, Fast Five is as fine a technical piece of filmmaking as any to hit American screens this year. It is a well shot, well constructed piece of work as precisely engineered as any of the vehicles it contains to satisfy the desires of the American public. It accomplishes the goals it sets for itself as well or better than any other film released this year, and is that not an accomplishment deserving of praise?
Does nobody else appreciate the wisdom of having Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson punch each other in the face for the public good? Can anybody name a single other occasion when the fifth film in a series is far and away the best of the run? This, friends, is the result of craftsmanship and skill well applied. Critics may criticize the script but answer me this: are people more likely to be quoting Fast Five a year from now or more likely to be quoting Shame, J Edgar, Moneyball or some other piece of awards-bait? So which film is really the better written?
Oscar has become irrelevant because at some point along the line it became ashamed of supporting the films people actually like. It wasn't always that way and there is no compelling reason for it to remain so. So do the right thing, Academy, and give one to the common man. Fast Five for Best Picture.
[Support the Fast Five Oscar Watch: Tweet the hashtag #ConsiderFast5]
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