FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH Review: Nothing But Fool's Gold

The streaming era has seen something of a gold rush as streamers large and small race to find treasure -- big hits that bolster their viewership and keep people talking.

For those on the richer side of things, that's often meant attracting name directors and stars for big, comedic and/or thrilling adventures, but while these endeavors reach eyeballs, they've been almost uniformly duds on the critical front. Netflix is currently the worst offender, but Apple is catching up, thanks in part to Guy Ritchie's plainly dull and vapid Fountain of Youth.

Luke Purdue (John Krasinski) spends his life in pursuit of ancient artifacts and lost treasures, and his latest target is the legendary Fountain of Youth. A dying billionaire (Domhnall Gleeson) is funding a hunt that sees them stealing various works of art for clues, and it's not long before Luke's estranged sister, Charlotte (Natalie Portman), is pulled into the adventure. It's already a dangerous job on its face, but things get even dodgier thanks to a dogged Interpol investigator (Arian Moayed) and a secret organization that exists solely to keep the fountain hidden from prying eyes.

If you're going to steal, they say, steal from the best. Ritchie and writer James Vanderbilt got the memo, clearly, with a beginning and end that lift pretty directly from Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, respectively. Spielberg's adventure franchise has seen plenty of knockoffs over the decades, but few feel as transparently shallow as this. Those bookends feel like uninspired riffs on fun and awe, and nothing in between fares any better.

It's arguably a phenomenon almost unique to the streaming era as known talents are given too much money and/or creative freedom, with the result being, for lack of a better term, mere content. Everyone here, from Ritchie and Vanderbilt to Krasinski and Portman, has proven themselves elsewhere with fun, entertaining efforts, but they're all moving on autopilot, making for a film that flatlines throughout.

There's plenty of action, but all of it feels safe and paint-by-numbers in its execution. The film brings us to numerous real-world locales, but it all somehow looks and feels the same. There are jokes and comedy gags, but they all earn a shrug. There's no suspense, thrills, or life to Fountain of Youth as it all just flits by like fast and forgettable -- content.

Vanderbilt's script is the initial issue, as it packs in so many small elements on its way to the fountain that none of them have the time to truly grab our attention. There are some interesting historical details here, including a direct nod to Vanderbilt's real-life great-grandfather's death on the RMS Lusitania in 1915, but the film has to keep moving and recapping or risk losing the attention of second-screen viewers. It's sad, really.

Ritchie has shown himself more than adept at making fun romps with numerous moving parts, but it seems pretty clear that he works best with scripts and actors unafraid to get their hands dirty. Krasinski and Portman just don't fit the bill, leaving the former struggling to always be "on," and the latter sticking out like a sore thumb as she pretends to be capable of having fun. Eiza Gonzalez is innocent as the leader of the guardians, but her antagonistic banter with Krasinski is still pretty belabored. By the time Stanley Tucci shows up 80 minutes in to explain why the guardians exist to stop man from finding the fountain, well, you're happy to see him but still won't care.

Fountain of Youth will most assuredly be a hit for Apple, and the door to a sequel is expectedly left open, but every single one of the talents involved would be better suited elsewhere. Maybe the real hidden treasure is the integrity (and job security) to say no to the streamers, no to content, and yes to far better movies.

The film is now streaming globally, exclusively on Apple TV+.