Fear & Loathing @ the 2012 Philadelphia Film Festival Part I: Boozie Movies returns and goes to hell, literally.

She was not alone in her screams. Her sister was lying in a top bunk next to hers and saw a shadow-like figure sitting on top of her. Other students had even claimed that they saw Gina levitating at one point. She had to be taken to a nearby hospital by way of ambulance as her esophagus had nearly been crushed.

Gina might have been drunk when she told me this story, but she never batted an eye. As far as she was concerned, this story was fact, not some distant memory that had been reshaped by an over active imagination.

I still remember the shivers this sent down my spine when she told me this.

At the end of the night, she asked me if I'd like to share a cab back to her place. Even though I knew there was something seriously off about this person, even after she shared her ghost stories, even after she showed me the most fucked up family keepsake I've ever seen, I still thought she was an amazing woman, an amazing and drop dead blue ball inducing beautiful woman. Of course, I thought taking a cab back to her place was the best idea in the world at the time.

As we rode the taxi across the Benjamin Franklin bridge into New Jersey, weird New Jersey, armpit of America New Jersey, my only thoughts were that the sex was probably going to be awesome, and that it was going to cost an arm and leg to go home in the morning.

As the car pulled into her driveway the first thing that I noticed was that the lights in her living room were flickering on and off. It was not the type of strobe light flickering that signals a dying bulb, but from someone actively flipping the power switch on and off.

I turned to Gina but didn't have to say anything.

"It's my ghost, he's harmless, I swear. He's no worse than a hyperactive cat."

I tried my best not to snort in return.

"C'mon, you have a kid? Or am I about to get my ass kicked by your husband, or worse, is he some weirdo cuckold who's looking forward to a show between us tonight." I was now in New Jersey after all.

She didn't laugh.

"You'll see."

I paid the cabbie while she unlocked the front door. As soon as we stepped inside, the lights came on and stayed on.

I felt another shiver run through my body and for a brief moment, I wondered if I had a chance of chasing that cab back down and hitching a ride to Philadelphia pronto.

But then I saw that Gina had already slipped out of her trippy 70's bar cloth blouse and saw that she was warning a garter belt and no longer cared if some ghost was going to play Mr. Peeper in the bedroom closet. Have I mentioned that Gina was beautiful, like really fucking beautiful?  And I'm a short hairy film geek who really didn't deserve to have had a chance with someone like this.

When she asked me if I was 420 friendly and wanted to partake with her, I thought that this was indeed, the second best idea in the world.

Marijuana generally makes me paranoid, sometimes intensely so, but I was playing Don Juan here and wanted to be as suave as possible. Being suave is really another way of saying, being able to handle your drugs.

And I thought I had a handle on things. I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

The moment I took a hit of her brain melting Setiva, I knew that it was not the second best idea in the world. It was closer to being the third of fourth worst.

A gentleman should never kiss and tell, but what happened next, well, I think my gentleman days were instantly numbered.

She had practically torn my clothes off before we even killed a single bowl pack. I think I can remember her saying the words "She's going to be pissed if you get whiskey dick on her."
Looking back on it now, I should have been worried that she had started talking in the third person.

I'll spare you the details of the foreplay. We were both drunk and stoned.  It was awkward and sloppy.  

It wasn't until it I was up to bat to return the favor of some oral pleasure that things took a serious turn.

As I knelt down into position, my face only inches away from the holiest of the holy; I could hear a faint rumbling coming from below. It was no bodily function. It wasn't indigestion or hunger. Maybe rumbling isn't the best word, perhaps I should say rustling. I turned my head and leaned closer to her bare genitals to listen closer. It was like holding a sea shell to your ear where you think you can still hear the ocean even though you're nowhere near it.

I made an ass of myself, asking her if she had been tested lately, if there was anything I should know about before we proceeded.

Again, she answered in the third person.

"She has never had an earthly lover before; there is nothing to worry about."

Good, whoever I was about to fuck was DDF.

Yeah, even that seemed weird at the time, but then again, we met on Craigslist, have you ever gone out with someone from Craigslist before?

I hesitantly pushed two fingers in. Her insides were wet but cold. I could feel a cool wind blowing against my skin.

The next part is hard to explain, but it seemed as though my fingers had somehow detached themselves from my hand and were somewhere else. I could still move them but I would liken the sensation to a phantom limb. It seemed to me that I was experiencing something akin to what amputees feel.

When I pulled my fingers out I noticed that my nails had changed in shape and color, even my knuckles looked different.  These were not my fingers.
Gina leaned in and kissed me.

"She's coming."

I took this as dirty talk, but she was being literal.

She pushed me back and got on top.  Hands caressing everywhere, our bodies intertwined, it seems crazy now, but I hadn't noticed that a giant fucking python snake had somehow made its way onto the bed and was in the process of wrapping its scaly body around mine.  And Gina, well, she was levitating above me facing the opposite direction. It was totally a 69 position, only she was a solid 3 three feet above me. It was like that scene in Ghostbusters, only there was nothing cute or comical about it. I'm not as clever as Bill Murray and had no witty remarks to make. Still, the view kept me good and distracted from the giant fucking python that was slithering across my chest.

You might think that a situation like this would induce panicked hysteria but the truth is being confronted with some horrific and supernatural nightmare in reality is more dumbfounding than it is terrifying. Rather than screaming and making a run for the door, I lied there like a deer in headlights wondering where I might have left my cell phone. I wanted to capture all of this crazy on video. I'm sure it would have been a smash hit on YouTube.

And that's when I found myself staring eye to eye with the giant fucking python, its head nearly the size of my fist.

My only rationalization at the time was that this woman had some seriously strong dope. What I smoked must have been laced with PCP or something.

And then the snake sank its teeth into the soft fleshy area directly above my collar bone. Holy shit did that hurt. I felt the venom spitting out of its teeth, making its way through my body, numbing everything from the neck down.

My facial muscles stiffened and I found my mouth frozen open in some awful slack jawed expression that probably made me look like some hick who's just caught his girlfriend fucking the pet Doberman.

The snake retreated while Gina did some crazy spinning motion thing mid air before lowering herself back on top of me.

Only, it wasn't Gina. It was someone else, an older woman, possibly a relative of Gina's. There were faint physical similarities, but given the circumstances of everything that was happening, I wasn't able to make out much in specific physical features. She was not necessarily attractive nor was she unattractive. But that seems irrelevant now. She could have morphed into Megan Fox and the whole situation wouldn't have been any less fucked up.
While the snake venom had paralyzed my body, it was also working as some type of sexual stimulant. Sure, I'd taken Viagra for fun in and it was still nothing like this. I had the most intense erection of my life. I could feel the veins throbbing under my skin and I'm pretty sure I was probably a solid three inches longer than usual.

Gina, or, whoever, or whatever the fuck Gina had turned into, sat on top of me, fitting me insider of her or should I say it. I felt my penis leave my body and travel to another world or possibly another dimension. If my dick had eyes, I'm sure it saw something like you'd find inside a Heavy Metal magazine.

Demon woman thing worked me hard for a while. I'm not sure if it was minutes or hours or even days as time seemed to have stood still.

I looked down and saw something weird as if the word weird could even quantify anything that was happening at this point. There was a big droopy dog tongue wiggling its way out of her vagina, licking my stomach. I still can't decide if this was insanely hot or absolutely disgusting.

My penis in another dimension decided that this was insanely hot and I experienced the single most intense orgasm of my entire life and I had already spent two years bumming around Tokyo, this was no small feat. There's no way of knowing, but I'm pretty sure I most have blasted a few gallons of ejaculate on some distant moon. My orgasm lasted an entire two minutes. That might not sound very long, but seeing how the average orgasm for males generally last 15 -30 seconds, it seemed like an eternity at the time.

Just before I passed out "she" peaked as well. Her thighs nearly crushing my pelvis, demon gypsy lover woman held me down while speaking in some foreign tongue. She thrashed and screamed and threw up some type of ooze all over my hairy chest. It was going to take a good two or three showers to get that shit out. If anyone decides to make some Evil Dead porn parody, they ought to hire me as a consultant since I've already lived it.  

After painting my naked body with purple vomit, she grabbed my hair with both hands, leaned in closer, and told me to swallow.

Swallow what I thought.

The skin on her face started to liquefy, melting away from her skull like butter on a hot skillet. It streamed down like a waterfall directly into mouth. It tasted like play doh as it clogged my throat. I tried to breathe through my nose but there was no use. A heaviness started to set in and I blacked out.

I woke up with one hell of hang over the next morning. Gina was lying on her side in the bed, her back facing me. I leaned over to double check that it was indeed Gina. It was.

Goddamn, she looked even more beautiful in the morning glow.

I could still remember the night before but initially played it off as some drug induced hallucination but the teeth marks above my collar bone signified otherwise.

Gina came to; she turned to face me, smiled, and invited me to stay for breakfast.

I sat in her small kitchen as she brewed coffee and fried some eggs in her underwear. I was sore, I was exhausted, but I didn't feel bad. I felt great actually, refreshed. I felt like I must have had a hundred orgasms.

Still, it was hard to think of anything to say. Every time I thought I had figured a way to ask her about what had happened, I stopped myself midway in pronouncing the first word.
Gina was content with eating breakfast and drinking her coffee in silence and therefore, so was I.

She called a cab as I got dressed and I left as though it had been a just another normal drunken night of sex with someone I only kind of knew. She gave me a hug before I walked out the door, and it seemed as though we were parting on amicable terms.

Obviously, I never saw her again. I decided to place that night within a group of other bad, humiliating, embarrassing, and painful memories that I would spend most of my young adulthood drinking away. And I mostly succeeded in that endeavor until now. Drink enough bourbon, and you can whitewash away any nasty past experiences.

But here I am 6 years later staring at my computer screen.

"Hey, it's been a while. I just got a press badge for the film festival and thought about you.  If you happen to be in Philly, it'd be nice to see you again, catch up, reconnect, and see some films together. Call me.... Gina"

What the hell? I think my gimmick for the festival just found me.

So, dear readers,

I have indeed called Gina, and we will be reconnecting for the festival, and boy, what a festival it is. Expect Boozie Movie reviews for films including the ABCs of Death, John Dies at the End, I Declare War, Cloud Atlas, American Scream, and many more.  But if things go according to plan, stay tuned for my following adventures with Gina throughout the festival. I invite you all to come join me in my journey to bowels of hell here in Philadelphia.

COMING TOMORROW: Fear & Loathing at the 2012 Philadelphia Film Festival Part II: Boozie Movies tries to review Silver Lining Playbook but Gets Stoned with a Demon and has a Threeway with a Stripper Instead!