Review: JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE, A Really Dumb Slasher Flick Saved By Good Gore

Editor, News; Toronto, Canada (@Mack_SAnarchy)
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Review: JERSEY SHORE MASSACRE, A Really Dumb Slasher Flick Saved By Good Gore
Teresa and her girlfriends head to the Jersey Shore for a weekend of drunken debauchery. 

When there is a mix-up with their booking and they have nowhere else to go, Teresa suggests they stay at her Uncle Vito's in the Pine Barrens. During a trip to the Shore, the girls meet up with five muscle bound lug heads, and they party into the night. When they are kicked out of the bar they head back to Uncle Vito's place. There a deranged killer begins to pick them off one by one. 

Let us start off by surprising no one. Jersey Shore Massacre is dumb. Dumb as bricks. The characters are intentional mockeries of the cast of MTV's reality show Jersey Shore. However, here we are with the opportunity to watch someone do what many of us have maybe wanted to do. And that is to savagely murder a cast member of the MTV show in the woods. This is what it would look like if you were to live the dream. 

It is not like these characters are stupid to the point where you hate them. Sure, they are annoying. You are already coming into the film with expectations based on your own reactions to that infamous reality show from a few years ago. You just have to endure the stretches of bickering, racial jokes (who writes this shit into a movie anymore?), and misogyny between the kills. The film starts off okay with some severed limbs and a topless woman covered in blood. Then the film simmers for about half an hour as all our players congregate to Uncle Vito's home for the great douche-bag purge of 2014. 

And how about those kills? No movie this dumb should have gore this good. Honest to goodness, the gore borders on flippin' fantastic sometimes. The kills do not start out all that special. But then there is a session of extreme tattoo removal and a variation of the chainsaw kill that are worth noting. A wood chipper would round off the top three kills, if that was the end of that character. So I guess I would have to go back to one of the earliest kills, a good dose of breast trauma. Credit is due to special effects makeup by Cat Bernier and Angie Elwell, and visual effects by Jason Daly and Lesley Lopez for realizing the kills written into director Paul Taronpol's script so well. 

So far we are ticking off all the boxes of what made slasher films of yesteryear so great. Female nudity? Check. You are also going to get your fair share of breasts in this movie. Characters completely void of intelligence? Double check. Some bloody good gore? Check and check. 

Like the trailer says "You're not the only one who wants them dead". As long as you can handle annoying douche-bags in the hopes that they are going to bite it big time, then why not give Jersey Shore Massacre a go. 

Jersey Shore Massacre opens in select cinemas on Friday, August 22 and will be available on VOD, DVD and Bluray on Tuesday, August 26. 

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Female NudityJersey Shore MassacreSlasherPaul TarnopolGoldeneyeDanielle DallaccoAngelica BoccellaGiovanni RoselliChris LazzaroComedyHorror

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