Boobs. Blood. Beasts. Come Take A Big Bite Out Of PIRANHA 3D!!!

Bursting out of France and onto the international scene in a big way with High Tension aka Switchblade Romance, director Alexandre Aja proved that he was formidable with gore, as well as pacing, and provided fans with a solid and scary chase and kill flick (barring the notoriously illogical ending)  which was enough to get him recognized, and signed here in the States. His first film for a US studio, the now hated Platinum Dunes, was a redux of Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes, one of the sacred cows of horror geekdom. Yes, Platinum Dunes is indeed the studio that royally fucked up three of the most notable franchise characters of all time (Leatherface, Jason Voorehees and Freddy Krueger) but first timeout must have been some big time beginners luck, because in my  opnion  they hit paydirt with Aja's version of Hills. I actually prefer it to Craven's original, which is heresy I know. But there you have it. I think it's a scarier piece of work, and upped the ante in pretty much all the right ways. If they only would have brought Dee Wallace Stone back from the original, and cast her to play the mother in the remake. But I digress!

Aja's next gig? Shooting an English language version of the Korean horror film Mirrors. Again, scarier and bloodier, and all around more effective than the original. Hell, he even helped reign in the uber hammy Keifer Sutherland (btw, can someone please CGI him out of Dark City for me so I can actually fucking enjoy the film? Thanks!) and got a performance out of him that didn't send me running for the exit.

I mention all this to alleviate the dreaded fear of yet another damned remake that is completely unnecessary, off base, directed by someone who doesn't understand the strengths of the original (Rob Zombie's tragically inept and stupid Halloween films anyone?) and devoid of anything that could be construed as "fun".  This  Aja guy, while not the most original, has a great sense of what works and why, has a visual style that is distinctive and continues to develop in an interesting way, and knows how to execute scares with the precision of a surgeon with some severe mental issues.  
Now, Aja's back with yet another "re" flick, but this time he's fucking around with dynamite  y'all, and in danger of pissing me off proper-like. This time he's fucking around with my beloved Piranha.

Let me 'splain.

1976 to 1984 were extremely important and formative years to me as a cinephile. A lot of the theaters I frequented as a kid, because they were cheap (Mom and I lived in the 'hood and were po' as hell) were of the variety that didn't give a damn if some 11 or 12 year old kid wanted to see a triple bill of I Spit On Your Grave/J.D.'S Revenge/and Hot Potato by his little self, and was paying his admission of a whopping $1.25 with a collection of lint ridden spare change. They simply didn't ask questions. Half the patrons were also digging up pennies from near empty pockets to spend a day at the movies. The other half were paying with hundred dollar bills, if you get my drift.  This was the fertile, dirty, insane, and sometimes dangerous inner city cheap-o theater environment I first witnessed the original Piranha in.  It was at the Roxie Theater (RIP) in Oakland, CA in 1978. A Friday night. The wafting marijuana smoke and running dialog from the off duty pimps was par for the course. Put "in the mood" from the contact highs I always got at The Roxie, I beheld the original Piranha for the first time.  I then sat through the other two co-features, and then Piranha again because I just had to have another dose of that Bradford Dillman/Heather Menzies goodness, one more helping of aquatic terror, which has always been an underused sub-genre in my opinion. But yep, the original Piranha grabbed me by my nuts and never really let go. It launched a lifelong love affair with the works of both director Joe Dante, and screenwriter John Sayles. Those are some BIG FUCKING SHOES to fill people.
So when I found out a remake was in the works, and that Aja was attached, I was sure this gentleman from across the pond had overstayed his welcome, made a bad decision, and was about to royally fuck up.
Then...the trailer hit.
Hope glimmered. Maybe, just maybe, this dude really did "get it" as far as how to properly and effectively update a genre classic. Take care with your casting, make sure the film is shot well, and know who you are making the film for. First and foremost Aja seems like a director out to truly entertain. I get the feeling, watching his films, that the guy is having a blast behind the camera, coming up with ways to disturb and disgust his audience. I'm here to tell you, Aja has no shortage of ideas in that deranged department,  and the arrival of Piranha 3D is the proof.
The film opens with a face that is embedded in the minds of every movie fan drawing breath:  a beanie wearing Richard Dreyfuss, in a skiff, singing "Show Me The Way To Go Home".  Slyly reprising his "Matt Hooper" role from Jaws, Dreyfuss' cameo must have Great White sharks everywhere snickering through their humongous chompers.  
The re-emergence of "Matt Hooper" isn't the only thing Piranha 3D borrows from Spielberg's classic. We also have the Oh-My-God-Our-Waters-Are-Full-Of-Tourists-About-To-Become-Lunch scenario. Elisabeth Shue plays Sheriff Forester, small town single mom/MILF in uniform. It's Spring Break and her little town has been overrun with thousands of beer swilling, high-fiving, hard bodied knuckleheads and,even more bronzed and brainless honeys all with boobs that  are just dying to be set free and put on display. Forester's teenage son Jake (Steven R. McQueen) doesn't get to indulge his youthful lust at all during this glorious time, but instead is saddled with watching his little brother and sister. Poor dude. So when the opportunity to make a little extra cash showing around visiting smut peddler Derrick Jones, (Jerrie O'Connel coming off like a younger Bill Paxton at his obnoxious best) who is in town to get the hotties on video for his Wild, Wild Girls dvd series, Jake bribes his tiny siblings with a cash reward to stay inside the house and "not tell Mom".  Of course, the shit hits the fan. Jake's excursion into Titty Land on Jones' rented yacht is cut short when through a clever turn of events (snicker...hey whatever, it all works here in context) Jake's brother and sister end up on the boat with him, the smut peddler, the "models" they are shooting with, and the townie girl Jake likes, who ended up tagging along.
Mmmm hmmm.   
See, all these people out on the water? Bad. Why? Because an underwater earthquake has opened up a passageway to an undiscovered cavern, and now the deadly fish known as Piranha are set loose to wreak havoc and bring the slaughter...in glorious 3D to boot!
Throw in an aquatic research team (headed up by Adam Scott from the hilarious and smart television show Party Down), a heroic deputy (played by the always massive Ving Rhames),  more cameos from Christopher Lloyd, Eli Roth, as well as a small host of others, and you actually have a pretty decent ensemble here,  all out  on the tiles selling this unbelievably gory, semi-satirical blood feast of a boob fest.  
This is a "is what it is" movie through and through. Anyone going into this thinking they are going to get some ground breaking addition to the horror genre isn't looking at the poster or the trailer. When Bon Scott sang "If You Want Blood You've Got It" back in the day Alexandre Aja must have been listening, and adopted that mantra to his filmmaking. Piranha 3D is relentless in it's gore, and boy did Greg Nicotero and the boys at KNB FX bring it yet again. Pretty much every conceivable way a human body can come apart is explored in this flick. There is a gag involving a woman with her hair caught in a prop propeller that immediately jumped right into my list of "Classic Kills". More times than once the audience would gasp/scream, then jump, only to follow it with relieved laughter. Seeing Ving Rhames blast Piranha's out of the water with a shotgun, then resort to a make shift chainsaw cum prop propeller is like something out of Peter Jackson's Dead Alive. Watching two fully nude beauties engage in some Sapphic underwater foreplay, or seeing someone's body bloodily come apart as they are lifted out of the water, all in Real 3D  ='s kick fucking ass.

Sure, the plot is paper thin, but in the way that rice paper is used as wrap for Chinese candy confections. It dissolves easily, letting the consumer get at the sweet stuff inside. In the case of Piranha 3D that sweet stuff is, I say again BLOOD! BOOBS! BEASTS!

Epic. Summer. Flick. Win.