Please strap yourself in. Then check the seatbelt of anyone reading over your shoulder. If there are children in the room have “that talk” with them immediately and then make them leave the room anyway. Next wipe your mind of all inhibition, take off your clothing and put on a Yoda mask. Read this entire interview outloud in Yoda’s voice while you are naked. Know that somewhere Simon Pegg may be reading this and picturing hundreds of you in this state. As a Star Wars fan this will make him as happy as he’s made you over the years. Edgar and Nick will probably smile as well but for less than savory reasons. Try not to think about it. If like me, you are of the type of religious persuasion that eschews vulgar language and humor put your clothes back on, Ebay the Yoda mask and read no further.
The following interview with Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost contains some incredibly salty language, incredibly funny quotes and absolutely no doctoring. None. We didn’t touch it…much
INT: So are you prepared for the massive fan backlash due to the complete absence of zombies in Hot Fuzz?
EDGAR: Frankly after touring Shaun for as long as we did we never want to see another zombie again!
SIMON: Yeah, the perfect way to cap off the zombie thing was the cameo in Land of the Dead.
INT: Do you have secret zombie gear you like to slip into when your at home alone?
EDGAR: Oh..yeah. Well Nick does.
NICK: Oh yeah baby.
SIMON: Yeah the thing is zombies don’t make a very good fetish do they?
NICK: Well they are soft.
SIMON: Yeah but it’s kind of like kissing a girl who’s got way too much makeup on.
EDGAR: Are you going to make any of this up or will you just use our real words?
INT: I’m a journalist….
EDGAR: Your point is?
INT: There weren’t as many direct homage scenes as I expected.
EDGAR: Yeah we planned it that way. It made more sense to immerse the viewer in the genre and nod to Point Break, or refer back with a line of dialogue or bit of action rather than dedicate whole scenes of the film because let’s face it everyone knows this genre inside and out that’s why it’s so much fun to spoof the way the story is told and not just the films. We watched dozens of films researching and what we realized right away was , “Wow somebody actually bothered to write that bit of dialogue.”
NICK: Yeah somebody actually bothered to write the line “Yo fucknuts!!”
SIMON: Isn’t that the name of Steven Seagulls vanity band.
NICK: Yeah they’re touring with Forty Odd Foot of Grunts.
SIMON: What’s that called?
NICK: The “Hurt You With Our Music Instead.” Tour. Hurts so good baby.
EDGAR: I thought it was the Throwing Telephones Tour?
INT: You know one thing that comes up with English comedy, especially the classic stuff, is that it’s pretty mean spirited. I’m thinking Python, Fawlty Towers, Black Adder, Young Ones, The Goodies…
SIMON: Not the Goodies!
NICK: You bastard!
EDGAR: You’re getting them mixed up with The Baddies
SIMON: Or maybe the Blue Meanies. Get it together man. You call yourself a journalist!
INT: But you guys basically have a pretty heartwarming approach that you’ve used your whole careers?
NICK: You mean like kickin’ old ladies in the face and blowing up our mums?
SIMON: We care about the characters in a different sort of way. Well I think we get a lot of pleasure out of knowing that. I wrote a joke for an Episode of Spaced that was a reference to the X Files and I remember thinking that there was probably only one or two people that would even get it but they would be so happy just knowing there was someone else out there who loved the same thing they did. We get that from fans all the time.
EDGAR: That’s why there are no Steven Seagull jokes
SIMON: Yes, his fans have no sense of humor
NICK: And “Yo Fucknuts” hasn’t broken the top ten here in Britain yet.
SIMON: Well how can they with songs like “Alligator Ass”?
EDGAR: You see the thing is you have to know what genre you’re writing in. We’ve always known we wanted people to care about the story and characters. A lot of people think comedy and right away they basically start ripping off the Zucker Brothers
SIMON: Usually badly. But sure enough what people really loved about Spaced wasn’t the homages it was the possibility that me and Jessica might get together or at least get their individual lives together.
NICK: I’ve always thought that the funniest bits in our projects were the ones we played absolutely straight faced.
SIMON: And you have to realize that if we’d had a little bit more time and money we would definitely have ramped up the carnage and the action in Shaun. Hot Fuzz let us do that and as much as I love Shawn it was a relief not to feel that constraint. I think Shawn would have been even better under different circumstances.
INT: That is one of the surprising things about Fuzz. There are some really good action sequences in the film. So many action films are so badly plotted weren’t you worried your action movie was going to be just another bad one?
EDGAR: It was a hard film to write because we love action movies and wanted to make a good one not just a funny one. And the nature of the genre is to have all these ridiculous multiple endings and scenes that really are more or less impossible to take seriously.
SIMON: Except for the homoeroticism.
NICK: Yeah I thought that Nick and Simon came into that rather naturally.
SIMON: How many times did we watch Brokeback?
NICK: Not enough my friend.
SIMON: Well with Nick involved it was really almost was broke back if you get my meaning.
EDGAR: Say you are sure you won’t be padding this interview out with any made up quotes right?
INT: I’m a journalist. So it was hard?
EDGAR: Well there are two theories in the film that compete. One is what’s really happening around Angel and the other is what he thinks is happening. And of course that makes for some really Agatha Christie hairpin logic. That was the mind boggling part. I mean sometimes Simon and I would stare at each other and just be banging our heads on the floor. We had no idea where to go next.
NICK: Then we’d watch Brokeback again. Good times, good times.
SIMON: One thing we really enjoyed was writing a sort of pro Policeman movie. I mean when you think of English action movies they’re almost all about gangsters. You automatically veer into that sort of Guy Maddin style. It sort of glories all that in way. You have a lot of that in the states here.
EDGAR: And that’s part of what we spoof with all the fast cutting etc. But when you go back to the seventies and realize how much cop movies brought to the history of it all.
INT: Simon, do you remember talking to Todd when you first toured Shawn and him giving you a copy of Firefly?
SIMON: Oh fuck yeah! Man we had a good time. I still have that.
INT: Actually it’s mine. Todd had borrowed. Can I have it back please?
INT: I mean it’s fun to tell all my “mates” that Simon Pegg has my copy of Firefly but…
SIMON: Um…I mean it’ in England. Do you want a Hot Fuzz poster or something?
INT: No, sorry.
SIMON: I guess I could call my mum and have her send it. What’s your address then?
Ed.- Obviously Dave is an enormous cheapskate. As embarrassed as we are about it we’ll stop the interview short of giving Dave’s address out to a potentially outraged fanbase.