INTERVIEW AND ARM WRESTLING MATCH WITH TONY JAA

Readers, once again we find ourselves having to apologize for Dave Canfield. Those of you who remember his disastrous interview with Hostel director Eli Roth will be glad to know he’s out of physical rehab. Rather than fire him we opted for a treatment plan which he recently graduated from and so to celebrate we offered him the following assignment. Once again he has screwed up in spectacular fashion. The following was transcribed essentially without edit as Dave is not yet conscious and able to guide us through the process.

We have taken the liberty of translating some of the conversations between Tony and his interpreter in the hopes that it will help the reader place the blame squarely where it belongs.

INTERVIEW WITH TONY JAA

Sounds of Dave talking in hushed tones to interpreter.

DAVE: (Very loudly) I am so pleased to meet you Tony. I have been a fan for awhile now.

INT: Tony says he does not need you to speak so loudly. He actually understands English quite well.

DAVE: Oh. Yes. Well I actually know a little bit of Thaiwanese.

INT: Actually we refer to our language as Thai.

DAVE: Yes, yes. I learned most of it off the back of restaurant menus. Pad Thai is…

Tony speaking in hushed tones to interpreter.

INT: Tony says perhaps we should start interview now.

DAVE: Yes. Um…well. I understand that you see yourself as a sort of cultural ambassador for Thailand?

TONY: Yes this is what I want for people to experience the real Thailand. Too often people only experience Bangkok and even then it is a very stylized version. I come from a small country village.

DAVE: Yes your films are usually set in rural locales. Is that a conscious thing?

TONY: It is good to show the city but the city is a newer aspect of Thailand. The heart of Thailand are the villages where it's traditions and beliefs have been centered.

DAVE: Where do elephants fit in?

TONY: Elephants are sacred in Thailand almost like Gods. I keep two elephants myself. We still use elephants in public ceremonies. They are very respected. My elephants are named Flower and Leaf. They are not pets. I feel it is my duty to take care of them.

DAVE: Isn't Flower kind of a sissy name for such a big animal?

TONY: Sissy?

At this point Tony's interpreter whispers in Tony's ear. Tony turns red and stands up. He leaves the room and we hear the sound of a door closing. Suddenly the muffled sound of smashing wood and glass can be heard.

DAVE (to interpreter) Is Tony okay? Have I offended him?

INT: He fine. Remembered that he must take training break. Must train all the time.

We hear door open and Tony speaks to interpreter.

INT: Tony say maybe we could talk about Muay Thai?

DAVE: Well, I did have a lot of elephant questions?

INT: Trust me. Elephant and Muay Thai closely linked.

DAVE: Okay, Tony how are elephants and Muay Thai linked?

TONY: Like most martial arts Muay Thai moves are symbolic. Hands and legs become tusks and trunks. Elephants used to be used in war. Now they are not but my family has kept them for generations.

DAVE: So is Muay Thai a way to become more like an elephant? I'm not sure I understand?

TONY: NO! Muay Thai is a way of life, of respect for teachers, parents, to live a good life! Is not just a way to fight.

DAVE: Do you ever fight elephants or…

INT: I think Tony is trying to say that Muay Thai is very spiritually based. It is about the whole person. Elephants are merely beings of a very high level.

DAVE: OH, YES I SEE. Good. Um….well besides elephants, what other things inspire you to Muay Thai?

TONY: My father was also a Mui Thay boxer and a great man. He gave me permission to study with my idol Panna Rittikrai. This was the beginning of a long friendship. I am so lucky to have met him.

DAVE: It must be something to be able to have been involved in the infancy of Thai action cinema. It seems like Thai stuntmen take more risks than their counterparts around the world.

TONY: For Thai stuntmen everything is movie, movie, movie and money. We want industry to grow and to do our best. Panna provides very family like set to work on. We all knew we would be taken care of. He was like a father to me. Now he is a good friend and a colleague.

DAVE: Do you think you could kick his butt?

TONY: uh…(confused) This I would not do….

DAVE: Oh come on! Haven’t you ever wanted to put the tusk to him. I mean I had this fourth grade teacher…

INT: Maybe you should ask Tony about new movie?

DAVE: This is gonna be one of those interviews huh? Okay, tell me about your new movie.

TONY: It’s called The Protector.I uncover a government conspiracy while chasing men who have stolen my families elephants

DAVE: Do you think you will ever make a movie without elephants? I mean circus flicks don’t do very well stateside. Like did you ever see Pee Wee’s Big Top? It totally bombed…

TONY: UH…UH (sound of breaking glass)…

DAVE:l Dude you broke your water glass? Coool… You know you and Stephen Chow and Jet Li are so tiny but you can do all these cool tricks. I bet you could totally revive the circus movie. Here stateside we used to have this franchise about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and we also had Surf Ninjas. You guys should remake Surf Ninjas!

Tony: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!! (Sound of splintering wood)

INT: No Tony! Remember Pasadena!

Sound of Tony talking to interpreter.

INT: Tony says he will only continue the interview with you if you arm wrestle him.

DAVE: What?

INT: He says he has never been this insulted before and that you are a disgrace to your profession and he will only continue to speak with you if he can- how do you Americans say- whoop your butt- while he does so.

DAVE: Well with all due respect please inform MISTER Jaa that I was arm wrestling champion of my high school two years running.

INT: Mr Jaa says he scared.

DAVE: Tell Jaa-Jaa Binks when I’m through with him George Lucas won’t be able to hire him to wear one of his muppet suits? Would it help if I got on my knees so we could look each other in the eye?

TONY: I am big action movie star!!

DAVE: Look when you need a body double do they have to call Little People of Thailand or do they just…

Int. can be heard in background calling to ask for new coffee table. We’ll skip ahead at this point. Room service has delivered the needed table.

TONY: We go now!

DAVE: You sure you don’t need a chance to call home to talk to Root and Weed?

TONY: Flower and Leaf, Flower and Leaf moron. Flow….

DAVE: WHATEVER!!

INT: I should warn you Mr Canfield that Tony is quite capable of snapping the bones of your upper arm.

Dave: In the words of “The Emperor’s New Groove” Bring it on!

At this point on the tape we hear the sounds of two hands clapping together except without the Zen connotations. Then much struggle. Quite frankly without the photos to prove it we would have finally fired Dave but he did beat Tony fair and square and it’s kind of exciting to be able to point that out. See if nancy boys like Tom Mes or Grady Hendrix have anybody on staff who can make that claim. We will spare you the grunts and name calling but the tape ends with the following conversation.

TONY: Ow!!Owwww!!!STOP STOP!!You’re breaking my….

INT: Tony clap the table!!! Surrender! We fight another day!

TONY: Okay okay!!!

DAVE: Say Flower is a sissy name!!

TONY: Auuuuugh!!!

DAVE: Say it!

TONY: Okay, Flower is a sissy name.

DAVE: Okay then.

Sounds of whimpering. Then Tony and Dave agree to set aside their differences. A pic is taken to commemorate the event which shows Tony to be pretty awestruck.

INT: You know I do training on the side. Tony does not have a protégé yet.

DAVE: Hmmmm…. I wouldn’t have to suck up to the elephants would I…

At this point the sounds on the tape become basically indecipherable. Tony is shrieking, glass and wood are heard breaking and Dave is screaming the word “Sorry!!” over and over again while the int. is on the phone to the Police.