We've just had a second lengthy review of House of Wax sent in. Let's just say that Nick and Canfield have agreed to disagree, yes?
Okay, before the haters start I gotta say...
Repeat after me, “It’s only a movie, it’s only a movie.” No…wait…say, “It’s only a horror movie, it’s only a horror movie.” It might help you to enjoy House of Wax a little more if you’re a fan of horror movies, but it will also help to remember that the American Horror movie scene has been pretty dreadful lately. While I have encountered some truly interesting direct to DVD titles like Dead Birds and Dead End it has been a while since I sat in an American multiplex and felt the hairs bristle up on my neck. Instead I’ve had to settle for having my gag reflex over stimulated by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake and been left sulking by the failed promise of films like The Boogeyman. Of recent horror films only The Grudge and Hideo Nikata’s Ring sequel (both produced by Sam Raimi) raised any hackles at all, although the ghost sequences in the recent Amityville Horror remake were quite well done. That said I was left smiling by this outrageously dumb splatter thriller.
A solid throwback to the early days of bad sequels to great horror movies it seems appropriate that House of Wax is itself a remake of one of the best 3-D movies ever made. The original film starring Vincent Price is still absolutely thrilling. I’ve seen it in 3-D twice but even in 2-D the film is pure monster movie magic containing a truly tragic villain in Price, a mute manservant, and all the gruesome goings on that the film’s premise promised.
This remake has none of the pathos, and most sadly of all it doesn’t really have the great character acting provided by Roy Roberts and Carolyn Jones (later known as Morticia in The Addams Family. But it does have some of the fun. Normally when a horror film makes the mistake of having its characters do all the dumb clichéd things people do in horror films I’m lost to any other charms it may have. But the payoffs to the “checking out that sound all alone in the dark when you know the killers around” moments in this film are so good, so “awwwww, no they didn’t” inducing that House of Wax gets high marks for transcending it’s first half an hour of tedious “character development.
What’s to develop? Kill those kids already! A college age group of friends, lovers, and enemies go on the road but get sidetracked to a forgotten town where one by one they die, but only after discovering that the local House of Wax is literally a house made out of wax. They also make a discovery about the townspeople that is easy enough to figure out if you’ve seen the trailer and it’s once they get inside that roadside attraction that the audience will forget the resemblance House of Wax has to all those other bad American horror movies-at least until they get back to the parking lot.
The design of the wax house itself and the many wax figures used in the film is truly breathtaking and the giant blaze that consumes same at the end is like a surreal nightmare. But where the film excels is in its use of gore. For those of us with a soft spot in our hearts for creative special effects House of Wax offers moment after moment of epically pure grand guignol entertainment. The movies central conceit, the casting of Paris Hilton, is belabored by the fact that she is filmed almost constantly. But at the end of her spectacular death scene, the killer films her as well. In another scene a character who has been covered with wax finds out what happens when you try to remove it and the film offers one of the most comically gross beheadings in recent film history. Don’t blink or you’ll miss it.
Hilton’s not bad actually, and neither is Elisha Cuthbert. This is not a great film. Its paper thin story would be more annoying if the movie did anything but use it as an excuse to set up great set pieces. In fact the atmosphere is creepy enough in places to draw comparisons to another underrated but pretty atmospheric stinker called Tourist Trap in which human statues also played a significant role.
I recommend a big screen outing in a packed house or a group of good friends gathered around a large TV set. I also recommend that in either location you check your brain at the door.
Dave Canfield
Review The Second.
When you walk out of the theatre and your friends first comment is “Well, you can’t really be disappointed when you came in expecting this to be utter crap” you know you’ve just experienced some quality viewing. House of Wax basically follows in the footsteps of every horror cliché that has been set for the past oh, 20 years, but still some how fails in every attempt to be an enjoyable time, or at least something watchable to numb the mind after spending 17 hours trying to save oil covered retarded dolphins. Now, I’m always one for excitement through cheap thrills but I think next time I’ll get em’ from chasin’ hobos with poo on the end of a stick.
On their way to the big college football game 6 highschool teens decide to camp out in a field some where in Lousisana because obviously that’s such a good idea. When one of their cars mysteriously breaks down they make their way into the nearest town of Ambrose and soon figure out why it’s not even on any map. Creepy inhabitants and doors left wide open for overly courageous teens to walk through and explore, House of Wax plays out like the guide of what people do to get killed in small towns and makes you wonder just exactly why, since you think the killer is dead, why you would leave his shot gun right beside him?
From the moment Paris Hilton hits the screen you can almost here the unison “ehhhh” and those sounds continue throughout the entire film. House of Wax plays out like just another rip off of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, even though it’s based on a completely unrelated 1953 film. Though where the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was able to elicit fear in the hearts of all that viewed it, House of Wax seems to be able to generate E-coli in the bodies of all unfortunate members of the audience. You can only really suspend disbelief for so long until it becomes utterly ridiculous and just completely annoying, distracting you from any story (as thin as it may be) that is trying to be pushed upon you. Also, did you not think people would see that you ripped off Irreversible here?
The characters in House of Wax are under developed and TOTALLY groan inducing. You can’t make a character a “bad ass” by just making him stare at people throughout the first hour and wear a hoodie, you just can’t. The dialogue is ridiculous, not that you can expect epic wisdom out of a highschool horror film, but it would be nice if it wasn’t written by people still in highschool who have Simple Plan posters on their wall and want to move out because their mothers still read their diaries. Also, I just wish one day someone will properly light a horror movie: if it’s going to be dark, at least accentuate the characters so we actually know that there is something happening for 2 hours. But I think I’m being too critical here because can I totally rip on a movie that stars Paris Hilton, some guy from an O.C. rip off show that’s based on a film from 1953? You bet your ass I can. I love the 50 odd odes to Paris Hilton’s sex tape shots in this movie too. If you sit through it, you’ll understand what I mean.
I really don’t know what I was expecting here, a diamond in the rough, or at least some gratuitous nudity from Ms. Cuthbert or Ms. Hilton (it doesn’t come boys, but little shorts and strip shows are a close second), but alas, I did not. I guess I can give the filmmakers credit here for not shying away from violence, there’s plenty of that and some body tensing scenes here and there but is that really a huge accomplishment for a horror movie to do? House of Wax will soon be forgotten like those that came before it – (Wrong Turn, Valentine, Jerry Maguire) or maybe it’ll be remembered as that movie that had that girl that was in that other movie where she did a guy. There’s no cheap, fun thrills here – just a bunch of kicks to the groin scenes that make alcoholism seem like a good thing.
- Nick