It was when we came over the hill to the bus that I caught my first glimpse of some of the heavies with whom we'd be traveling. There was Evan Husney, director of Drafthouse Films, who had spent the last week or so toting the film's stars around the country on their "Tour de Pressy". The stars, Casper Christensen and Frank Hvam, were also in attendance, which was one of the major selling points for the tickets in the first place. The opportunity to canoe down the mighty Guadalupe with these supposed experts was certainly a big draw in my case. Last, but most certainly not least, was Alamo Drafthouse head honcho and legend among hardcore film fans, Tim League accompanied by his equally legendary better half, Karri.
Sure, the temptation to hobnob was almost overwhelming, but only because I was starting to get a good head of steam going. Normally I'm a terminal wallflower, however, my friendly hosts had managed to get me to open up a bit and as a result, I did my best to make friends. By the time we'd reached the buses most of the journalists, being local and friendly with one another, had already paired off into teams. Since I didn't know many of these folks, when I was offered a teammate, I gladly scooped him up, though when he produced a dagger from his pants (no pun intended, this was a literal dagger), and announced that he was ready and willing to take on "any Ned Beattys" we might see along the way, I began to shrink a bit.
(That's me on the far right)
Thankfully, once we got onto the bus, this particular budding psychopath found another friend, and I was off the hook for the time being, but this also left me partnerless. As the seemingly endless five mile drive to the launch point wore on, I started to get worried about finding someone with whom I could undertake this monstrous journey. Yes, even as a thirty two year old man, I still get nervous that no one will like me, Junior High, you've scarred me deeply. It actually wasn't until we hit the ground that another orphan like myself appeared, it was Don Simpson, a writer for Film School Rejects and Smells Like Screen Spirit. We became the dark horses, determined to conquer this demon of a river, safety be damned!
I've never canoed. Never wanted to. I'll be damned if I'm going to fail at anything, though, and so Don and I pressed forward, into the abyss. The bus driver warned us that the river might be "a bit low", resulting from the years of drought we've had in Texas that have drained most of the natural waterways and even water reserves across teh state, but she didn't prepare us for exactly how low it was. The mighty Guadalupe River was, in most places, little more than a trickle of lukewarm piss water. More often than not Don and I found our canoe's ass dragging on the bottom of the river, and on more than one occasion we had to get out of the fucking thing and push off like it was a skateboard. You'd think that this would make the whole experience less intimidating, however, my friend, you'd be wrong.
My main fear when undertaking this journey was dumping myself into the river. I've seen enough movies and late night TV to know that people in small boats get overturned all the time. Well, we got turned around all right, but not that way. Don and I managed to spin the fucking thing no less than four times. This meant that he and I would have to stand up (itself a danger), and turn around in the canoe without tipping it over. How we managed I'll never know, especially since for the great bulk of the journey this was all I saw:
Yes, that is the back of Don's head in drunk-o-vision. As you can clearly see, we are not pointed in the right direction. This led to us getting constantly overtaken by other bloggers and journalists on this river, and I'll be damned if I was going to sully ScreenAnarchy's good name and let those other fuckers beat me down this river. It was at that point that I decided, "Okay motherfuckers, enough of this leisurely stroll bullshit. This is a fucking race, and I'm going to fucking win". Testosterone is a powerful hormone, and in my beer-addled brain, the only goal was to finish this goddamned, godforsaken canoe trip ahead of all those other jerk-offs who didn't want to be my goddamned canoe partner. Fuck you, eighth grade insecurities, I'm getting even!
I'm not one for physical exertion, but this was war. In hindsight, I probably could've let Don in on the plan, but I was in the back of the boat most of the time, so I was more or less in charge. I was going to push through to glory with his help or without it. There were times when I felt like giving up; about an hour into the trip I began to get tired, but every time that happened, some bullshit civilian would pass us up like we were standing still, and I wasn't having it. There was more free beer at the end of this goddamned river, and we were going to get to it first!
It was then time to do what we were really there to do, and that was enjoy Klown. I'd already seen the film at Fantastic Fest, so I went it knowing what to expect, but this time I really felt like I'd earned it. I'll be damned if it wasn't just as good the third time around, though I'm sure that some of the clientele of the Guadalupe River Canoe Livery who'd inadvertently booked camping trips on that evening may have been a little shocked by the free treat they got on that giant inflatable screen. The film was followed by an enlightening Q&A led by Tim League and featuring the stars and producer of the film. I'm hesitant to go into too much fine detail, but let's just say that it is amazing what the MPAA will and will not allow in an R rated comedy. The best news is that Tim hinted at Drafthouse Films releasing the entire 7 seasons of the Danish TV series on DVD sometime in the future, which appears to have been confirmed in the intervening weeks, so that is definitely something to look forward to.
It may have been the beer talking, as it continued to flow late into the night, but this was one of the most memorable movie experiences I've ever had. New friends, good and plentiful beer, and a great film make Josh a happy guy. Big thanks to Drafthouse Films and the Alamo Drafthouse Rolling Roadshow for making this happen, this is why you are the beacon to which we all look.
I'm not one for physical exertion, but this was war. In hindsight, I probably could've let Don in on the plan, but I was in the back of the boat most of the time, so I was more or less in charge. I was going to push through to glory with his help or without it. There were times when I felt like giving up; about an hour into the trip I began to get tired, but every time that happened, some bullshit civilian would pass us up like we were standing still, and I wasn't having it. There was more free beer at the end of this goddamned river, and we were going to get to it first!
It was then time to do what we were really there to do, and that was enjoy Klown. I'd already seen the film at Fantastic Fest, so I went it knowing what to expect, but this time I really felt like I'd earned it. I'll be damned if it wasn't just as good the third time around, though I'm sure that some of the clientele of the Guadalupe River Canoe Livery who'd inadvertently booked camping trips on that evening may have been a little shocked by the free treat they got on that giant inflatable screen. The film was followed by an enlightening Q&A led by Tim League and featuring the stars and producer of the film. I'm hesitant to go into too much fine detail, but let's just say that it is amazing what the MPAA will and will not allow in an R rated comedy. The best news is that Tim hinted at Drafthouse Films releasing the entire 7 seasons of the Danish TV series on DVD sometime in the future, which appears to have been confirmed in the intervening weeks, so that is definitely something to look forward to.
It may have been the beer talking, as it continued to flow late into the night, but this was one of the most memorable movie experiences I've ever had. New friends, good and plentiful beer, and a great film make Josh a happy guy. Big thanks to Drafthouse Films and the Alamo Drafthouse Rolling Roadshow for making this happen, this is why you are the beacon to which we all look.