It's not every day that the stars of a movie interview each other about their respective roles in the picture and yet that is precisely what Steve Little and Robert Longstreet, the stars of Todd Rohal's The Catechism Cataclysm, have set out to do. Too bad all the Jack Daniels obscured their original intentions. But regardless of how successful the pair may or may not have been we are pleased to present you, the ScreenAnarchy reader, with A Conversation Between Steve Little And Robert Longstreet.
A man (ROBERT LONGSTREET) walks into a bar. There sits STEVE LITTLE, hammered. It's just another day at the office.
At this point in the conversation, Robert Longstreet leaves the table to go outside and smoke cigarettes.
Ninety minutes later Longstreet returns...wearing a different shirt.
FADE IN:
INT. DIVE BAR SOMEWHERE IN BURBANK, CA -- MORNINGA man (ROBERT LONGSTREET) walks into a bar. There sits STEVE LITTLE, hammered. It's just another day at the office.
ROBERT
Hey Steve!
STEVE
Hey Robert! How are you today?
ROBERT
The antibiotics are working.
STEVE
That's good to hear. Are you excited to go to
Sundance this year? I heard you are lodging
at a place where you will have your very own
bathroom, is that true?
ROBERT
That is true. But the sad thing is I had to
chop all the firewood and do turn down service
for everyone at the house. And it's tough
'cause I am allergic to mints.
STEVE
All mints or just pillow mints?
ROBERT
Just pillow mints.
STEVE
So you starred in a movie with me this year,
do you remember that?
ROBERT
I do! With a tinge of sadness.
STEVE
What was so sad about it?
ROBERT
I lost all sense of myself in your eyes.
STEVE
That happens. Believe me I know. So I guess
we are supposed to interview each other for
this... are you nervous?
ROBERT
Yes, one of my testicles just went up in my
body.
STEVE
I heard that happen. It was popping sound
right?
ROBERT
That is absolutely right, they detach like
LEGOs.
STEVE
Todd asked us not to talk about LEGOs.
ROBERT
You're right. My fault. I'll ask the first
question.
How did you first hear about this project?
STEVE
Well, I met Todd when I did a reading of his
script "Scoutmasters", I guess he knew me from
Eastbound and David Gordon Green recommended
me to come do a Sundance reading I think.
Anyways, that was a lot of fun, and then like
a year later Todd sent me an email and said he
wrote a movie with me in mind.
He didn't tell me much about the movie at
first, he just said in the first email, "It's
about a priest who drops his Bible in the
toilet."
The minute he said "Bible", "Toilet", and "Me"
I was sold.
ROBERT
How did he get your email address?
STEVE
I don't know. I am still upset about it.
ROBERT
Me too. I thought you weren't allowed to use
the Internet in prison.
STEVE
No you can use it. Just not for pornography.
ROBERT
So tell me about Father Billy.
Do you share any similarities with the
character?
STEVE
Yes, we are both chaste.
ROBERT
Well, you can use powder for that.
STEVE
Really? Nose powder or crotch powder?
ROBERT
I'm sorry I don't get the reference.
STEVE
Okay, my turn. So how disappointed were you
when you found out Todd wanted you to play
Robbie instead of Father Billy?
Are there any other ways in which you wish you
were me?
ROBERT
All I ever wanted to be as you. But then I
thought I would have to kill Todd Rohal, but
then now I realize the only person I have to
kill is myself. CATACLYSM is a shame spiral
for me.
STEVE
Cool. Cool. Very Cool.
ROBERT
You're a textbook enabler.
STEVE
Thanks. Cool. Very cool.
Okay, so next question. How did you prepare
for the role of Robbie? Would you say your
method was more Stanislavski or Meisner?
ROBERT
No my methodology way more Kevorkian oriented.
STEVE
Cool. I studied with him in North Hollywood.
ROBERT
He's amazing. In the three weeks I studied
with him, he euthanized four Greenpeace
workers and a Chihuahua.
STEVE
So, this movie has a lot of heavy metal in
it. Was heavy metal part of your process?
ROBERT
Absolutely not. Peaches and Herb.
STEVE
Wait. I'm confused. Were you just saying
"Peaches and Herb" for no reason or were they
part of your process?
ROBERT
No. I was just saying them.
Hey Steve!
STEVE
Hey Robert! How are you today?
ROBERT
The antibiotics are working.
STEVE
That's good to hear. Are you excited to go to
Sundance this year? I heard you are lodging
at a place where you will have your very own
bathroom, is that true?
ROBERT
That is true. But the sad thing is I had to
chop all the firewood and do turn down service
for everyone at the house. And it's tough
'cause I am allergic to mints.
STEVE
All mints or just pillow mints?
ROBERT
Just pillow mints.
STEVE
So you starred in a movie with me this year,
do you remember that?
ROBERT
I do! With a tinge of sadness.
STEVE
What was so sad about it?
ROBERT
I lost all sense of myself in your eyes.
STEVE
That happens. Believe me I know. So I guess
we are supposed to interview each other for
this... are you nervous?
ROBERT
Yes, one of my testicles just went up in my
body.
STEVE
I heard that happen. It was popping sound
right?
ROBERT
That is absolutely right, they detach like
LEGOs.
STEVE
Todd asked us not to talk about LEGOs.
ROBERT
You're right. My fault. I'll ask the first
question.
How did you first hear about this project?
STEVE
Well, I met Todd when I did a reading of his
script "Scoutmasters", I guess he knew me from
Eastbound and David Gordon Green recommended
me to come do a Sundance reading I think.
Anyways, that was a lot of fun, and then like
a year later Todd sent me an email and said he
wrote a movie with me in mind.
He didn't tell me much about the movie at
first, he just said in the first email, "It's
about a priest who drops his Bible in the
toilet."
The minute he said "Bible", "Toilet", and "Me"
I was sold.
ROBERT
How did he get your email address?
STEVE
I don't know. I am still upset about it.
ROBERT
Me too. I thought you weren't allowed to use
the Internet in prison.
STEVE
No you can use it. Just not for pornography.
ROBERT
So tell me about Father Billy.
Do you share any similarities with the
character?
STEVE
Yes, we are both chaste.
ROBERT
Well, you can use powder for that.
STEVE
Really? Nose powder or crotch powder?
ROBERT
I'm sorry I don't get the reference.
STEVE
Okay, my turn. So how disappointed were you
when you found out Todd wanted you to play
Robbie instead of Father Billy?
Are there any other ways in which you wish you
were me?
ROBERT
All I ever wanted to be as you. But then I
thought I would have to kill Todd Rohal, but
then now I realize the only person I have to
kill is myself. CATACLYSM is a shame spiral
for me.
STEVE
Cool. Cool. Very Cool.
ROBERT
You're a textbook enabler.
STEVE
Thanks. Cool. Very cool.
Okay, so next question. How did you prepare
for the role of Robbie? Would you say your
method was more Stanislavski or Meisner?
ROBERT
No my methodology way more Kevorkian oriented.
STEVE
Cool. I studied with him in North Hollywood.
ROBERT
He's amazing. In the three weeks I studied
with him, he euthanized four Greenpeace
workers and a Chihuahua.
STEVE
So, this movie has a lot of heavy metal in
it. Was heavy metal part of your process?
ROBERT
Absolutely not. Peaches and Herb.
STEVE
Wait. I'm confused. Were you just saying
"Peaches and Herb" for no reason or were they
part of your process?
ROBERT
No. I was just saying them.
At this point in the conversation, Robert Longstreet leaves the table to go outside and smoke cigarettes.
Ninety minutes later Longstreet returns...wearing a different shirt.
STEVE
Welcome back. Now when we were filming
CATACLYSM, the canoe flipped and both of us
fell into the rapids. Were you scared?
ROBERT
Only of you.
STEVE
What'd you think--I was grabbing your ass
underwater?
ROBERT
Yes, I felt a feeling that wasn't aquatic.
STEVE
Well, what was it?
ROBERT
I think you're well aware of the size of
your thumb.
STEVE
Hmm....Perhaps.
ROBERT
Have you been on a small boat before this
film or was your experience strictly limited
to ships?
STEVE
Well, I have been on boats before. I have
been canoeing before. And I have been on
ships before, including cruise ships. I
have been even been on a submarine at
Disneyland.
ROBERT
Are you fucking with me?
STEVE
I am not fucking with you.
ROBERT
Do you know the difference between a bridge
and a train trestle?
STEVE
A train trestle is heavier, I think.
Welcome back. Now when we were filming
CATACLYSM, the canoe flipped and both of us
fell into the rapids. Were you scared?
ROBERT
Only of you.
STEVE
What'd you think--I was grabbing your ass
underwater?
ROBERT
Yes, I felt a feeling that wasn't aquatic.
STEVE
Well, what was it?
ROBERT
I think you're well aware of the size of
your thumb.
STEVE
Hmm....Perhaps.
ROBERT
Have you been on a small boat before this
film or was your experience strictly limited
to ships?
STEVE
Well, I have been on boats before. I have
been canoeing before. And I have been on
ships before, including cruise ships. I
have been even been on a submarine at
Disneyland.
ROBERT
Are you fucking with me?
STEVE
I am not fucking with you.
ROBERT
Do you know the difference between a bridge
and a train trestle?
STEVE
A train trestle is heavier, I think.
CUT TO BLACK: