Boozie Movies Returns To Piss In The Punch Bowl For 2013

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EDITOR'S NOTE: So there is a rather strange little tid bit about the following article from our resident crazy man, Greg Christie. And it's not the article itself. Although, it's just about as outlandish as you would expect. Every time we receive a new piece from the man with the magical flask, we have to expect the unexpected.  No, it's the pretext here that makes all of the following insane.  And what is that you might ask? The insane part is that I received this "Worst of 2013" list in an email from our Boozie Movie writer all the way back in the winter of 2009. It came to me before the Boozie Movie reviews were even a thing.

I didn't understand it at the time. I wasn't sure what kind of game Greg was playing. We've learned over the years that he does have a fondness for hoaxes. I asked him about the piece years ago through our email correspondence and he claimed to have no knowledge of writing the article. Here he was, "pissing" on films that hadn't even existed in the minds of their creators yet. Just as there are numerous betting pools around as to Greg's true identity and whether he exists, we here at Team Twitch have had our own betting pool on the validity of this email.

But now, 4 years later, I'm even more confused and even a little terrified of it. I received news of Greg's Indiegogo campaign for the novelization of his Fear and Loathing articles from an anonymous third party last week, but I haven't actually heard from Greg himself since Fantastic Fest back in early October. If you read his series from that festival, this supposedly happened, and maybe that should provide an explanation for the email below.


From: Greg Christie <xxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Friday, December  11, 2009 2:49 AM
To: Christofer T Brown <todd@twitchfilm.net>
Subject: Pissing in the Punch Bowl, a worst of list for 2013.

Hey, Todd.

It's that time of the year again, a time for gluttony; a gluttony of food, materialistic consumerism, false saccharine sentimentality, and annual year end best of lists.  

In typical Boozie Movie fashion, I'm here to stumble in on your shitty Christmas shin dig and piss in your punch bowl.

So while all of the cool kid bloggers out in the interwebs are going to be praising Spring Breakers while traditional critics herald 12 Years a Slave, and all of those pseudo sensitive self martyring types are taking back all of their original praise of Warm is the Bluest Color to damn it as a pornographic and homophobic piece of white male fantasy trash, I'm back to piss on everything you like.

10. YOU'RE NEXT

Watching You're Next is like getting whiskey dick at an orgy. There's an amazing time being teased in front of you but you were the asshole who drank too much earlier in the night. So now you're that guy standing in the corner playing with himself while swallowing handfuls of vitamin E desperately trying to get hard while everyone else is having a fun time. Every so often, a pretty lady walks over and tries to help you out, but no matter how hot all of this might seem, it's just not going to work. You're not 21 anymore and you actually have to plan your night out and watch what you drink if you want to be functioning later on. So eventually, you just give up and drink alone in an empty room while everyone else gets off next door.

You're Next could be seen as a major step up for Wingard. It's slick and polished without the obnoxious handy cam work or Christmas lights as production value that defined his earlier work. It actually looks like a legitimate film. But as a slasher thriller, it offers very little in the way of thrills. It keeps teasing a much better film and makes all manner of false promises for exciting set pieces to later come, but it never delivers on any of them. It's flaccid and impotent as a horror film. Worst of all, it skips all of the visceral catharsis as all of the juiciest kills happen off screen. But this isn't Funny Games nor is it The Cabin in the Woods like some critics have claimed. You're Next doesn't reinvent the genre nor does it try to deconstruct it. The film isn't intentionally refusing to meet audience expectations because it's making a statement. It's because it's just kind of a lazy wet fart of a film. I don't really know what its aim was. If you've seen the trailers, than you can already guess as to what one of the film's big twist reveals are.

One of the house guests being randomly attacked is actually a trained killer herself. Actress Sharni Vinson gives an awesome performance as the film's surprise heroine but it's a shame that she's not given anything all that cool to do or at the very least, a credible back-story to explain her deadly talents. The film still has that same improvised stink of Wingard's peers like Joe Swanberg, who hey, is in the film. There are some really intriguing lines of dialogue that were clearly made up on the spot during filming so there's no payoff to any of it. And then there are another two big preposterous twists that betray everything that comes before it and renders most of the horror elements pointless, but then again, the same could be said for that horrible twist ending in A Horrible Way to Die.

A friend had explained You're Next to me as a super violent and intense horror movie version of Home Alone. Someone still needs to make that film cause that sounds fucking awesome. Actually, The Aggression Scale comes a lot closer to being that film than this did.

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act of killingboozie moviesdon jonevil deadgangster squadgrandmasterkings of summerlet the fire burnmachete killsman of steelnuke em highonly god forgivespacific rimpain and gainresurrection of a bastardriddickspring breakersstar trek into darknessstokerthe place beyond the pinesthe world's endthis is the endto the wonderworst of 2013you're next
  • gotchabetch

    Yeah Man Of Steel wasn't that bad. Someone put some anthrax in the tampax of this butthurt fool lol.

  • Man of Stool was the worst movie of 2013 I agree 100% and possibly worst Superman movie ever made. It's worse than Singerman Returds.

  • Epic1227

    This author sounds like a huge D-Bag

  • Ricardo

    Man of steel seriously ?????

  • Tomax

    I thought You're Next was overrated. I felt like i'd seen this before. The who-done-it twist was weak and half way throgh the movie, i really didn't care who did it. I wanted them all to get killed. As far as home invasion movies go, "the Strangers" was a lot more entertaining (to me). I'd recommend that movie before " You're Next".

  • bob2

    Boondock Saints was decent. No it was not the best film ever made but it was a decent cool movie.

    Super man was awesome.

    What are you looking for when you watch these movies? An orgasm? The meaning of life? Does the movie have to be 'REAL' with no ridiculousness and movie fun.

    Go watch the English Patient with your hands holding tissues, jerky.

  • EugeneRushmore

    hey greg, your one line summation on "kings of summer"
    nearly killed me. even though it had a lazy reminiscent
    vibe going, a voice in the back of my head kept telling
    me they were trying way too hard. "frances ha" almost
    did the same, but i still felt something compelling. yes,
    it was black and white. yes, it was noah baumbach. yes,
    it had lame cliches and ridiculous dialog. but what made
    it hilarious and enjoyable was the understanding of city
    life. it's quirks, nuances, and absurdities. especially in
    trendy neighborhoods. critics can poke fun if they want,
    but even i have my fun in those environments. ($0.02)

  • Sam

    I liked 4 of these films and To the Wonder is in my top 20 of the year

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Um, except for the "good films" part.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    What he said. Amen.

  • servus

    I'd love to see a rant on "Blue is the Warmest Color"

  • Thomas Zack

    That's bullshit. The Aggression Scale was just a good set-up to a massive let down. You're Next was awesome! Though for home invasion horror this year - Hate Crime was the best.

  • arturo

    Only God Forgives is one of the top 10 best films i saw this year, i think you missed the supernatural element of the movie...

  • servus

    I think that the review is primarily trolling. The tone is over the top and should be taken as humor.

  • Mike

    The what now?

  • arturo

    If you've seen Only God Forgives there is a supernatural element to the movie that most people missed...The director has mentioned it in some interviews..

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